Seeing the good in bad habits
How to use ambiguity and ambivalence to foster sustainable behavior change
Most of us have what we consider to be bad habits.
They’re habits we think aren’t in our best interest for some reason.
The problem is we often still struggle to kick them to the curb.
It might not be clear to us whether a given habit is truly bad or good.
We might go back and forth on how badly—or whether—we want to quit.
While this ambiguity and ambivalence can work against us, they can also work for us.
In this post, we’ll discuss how acknowledging the good in our bad habits can help us quit.
First, we’ll cover how to determine whether a habit is good or bad.
Next, we’ll talk about how to use our conclusions (or lack thereof) to help us start—and keep—making changes.
Finally, we’ll wrap up with how to put this all into practice.
What makes a habit good or bad?
First, let’s define good and bad as we’ll use them in this post in reference to our habits.
We’ll aim for definitions that are clear enough for practical application but flexible enough for each of us to adapt to our circumstances.
After all, what one of us might consider a perfectly fine habit, somebody else might not.
We all have different perspectives shaped by different experiences.
We all have different ideas of what our own lives should look like.
We all have different needs, wants, and circumstances.
Who’s to say what’s good and what’s bad?
Considering this subjectivity, let’s leave determining each habit’s value up to the individual as much as possible.
To do so, we might define good habits as habits that…:
1. …make our lives better
2. …align with being our ideal selves
3. …we’d like to keep
In contrast, we might define bad habits as habits that…:
1. …make our lives worse
2. …don’t align with being our ideal selves
3. …we’d rather not keep
These definitions hopefully offer a reasonably structured framework for assessing any habit while allowing each of us to adapt them to our own circumstances.
Sure, there may be general trends in how we consider these factors.
For example, many of us will account for our own personal welfare and our impact on others while assessing our habits.
Moreover, many habits affect all of us in similar ways.
For example, smoking cigarettes generally affects everyone’s physical health in similar ways.
However, this isn’t the case for every habit and every person.
The definitions above allow each of us the freedom to determine the roles our own habits play in our lives.
There’s a lot of power with that freedom.
Of course, there’s also a lot of responsibility.
The onus is on us to pay attention to how our habits affect us and take action based on what we want for ourselves.
Some might not like this much responsibility.
That’s understandable.
There’s comfort in being told exactly what to do.
It gives us a sense of direction.
It offers the perception of certainty.
It helps keep things simple.
While direction, certainty, and simplicity may be nice, personal freedom is hard to beat.
Now, let’s move on to two factors that may complicate things: ambiguity and ambivalence.
The good side of bad habits
You might notice when you start assessing your habits that some aren’t 100% good or bad.
A habit might make our lives better in some ways but worse in others.
You might feel like crap after you crush a pint of ice cream.
However, you might also feel that the discomfort is worth it at times.
Similarly, you may see that you feel better when you get to sleep early.
Yet you may also find tremendous value in catching one more episode of The Office (it doesn’t matter that you’ve already seen them all four times).
Habits such as these can be harder to pin down as good or bad.
Even habits generally accepted to be one kind or the other aren’t as clear-cut as we might think.
Take my own struggle with quitting dip from this post, for example.
Sure, there were plenty of valid reasons I wanted to quit dipping.
I understood its negative impact on my health, wallet, and sense of independence.
However, I also enjoyed the buzz it offered.
It helped make boring drives, studying, and tedious tasks more manageable.
A similar example might be somebody who struggles with certain foods.
They might have plenty of valid reasons for wanting to no longer eat a certain food.
It might harm their health or cost too much.
At the same time, it might offer them pleasure, comfort, or escape.
This is one reason why kicking habits can be so difficult.
Nearly every habit offers some value to our lives.
Otherwise, we wouldn’t have developed them in the first place.
Sure, we may badly want to let them go.
Just the same, we often just as badly want to keep them.
We might go back and forth.
One day, we may want to quit.
The very next day, we may not care so much.
The bad news is all this ambiguity and ambivalence often work to our disadvantage.
The good news is we can also use them to our advantage.
How to use this inner conflict to our advantage
The inner conflict we feel when trying to get rid of a habit can be a source of stress and disappointment.
We might feel as if we’re broken, inadequate, or unworthy.
After all, we can see that this habit isn’t serving us, but we can’t seem to stop it.
What’s wrong with us?
Nothing.
This inner conflict is part of what makes us human.
It’s a reflection of our capacity for complex thought and emotion.
When we reject this part of our nature, we make behavior change harder than it needs to be.
We approach our efforts from a place of weakness and self-loathing rather than power and self-love.
Then, when we struggle or take steps backward, we beat ourselves up.
We berate ourselves.
This drives our confidence into the ground.
We then have less drive to keep pursuing the change we set out to make.
Eventually, we give up out of despair, hopelessness, and resignation.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
We can acknowledge and accept the complexity of the situation.
Acceptance isn’t the same as giving up.
It simply means we accept our mixed feelings as part of who we are.
When we do this, we become more comfortable with ourselves and our struggles.
We no longer feel broken, inadequate, or unworthy when we run into setbacks.
We’re no longer in a position of weakness and self-loathing.
Setbacks become just another part of the process for us.
We understand that even though we’ve taken a step backward, we can still move forward again.
Not only that, but we’re doing so from a place of power and self-love.
Self-love isn’t only directed at the parts of ourselves we want to keep.
It includes those parts of ourselves we’d like to change.
We love our whole selves, even though we see our imperfections and want to change them.
So, how exactly do we go about putting this into practice?
Thanking our bad habits
First, identify how it is that the habit you’d like to change might serve you.
Be honest with yourself.
Even if you can’t think of the right words for this, try the best you can.
Ask others for ideas if that helps.
This doesn’t have to be perfect.
The main idea is to recognize that this habit brought you value in some way.
If you can’t figure out what value the habit offers, that’s okay.
Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Next, identify how that habit works against you—why you want to let the habit go.
Again, if you can’t quite articulate your thoughts and feelings, that’s okay.
You can keep your motivation as simple as “it’s time to move on” if that’s all you’ve got.
Finally, it’s time for an amicable breakup.
This part is often easier if we speak it out loud or write it down somewhere.
If you choose to write this part down, consider keeping it somewhere as a reminder.
For example, you might tape it up somewhere.
If you choose to speak it out loud, consider doing so while looking in the mirror.
Doing so might give what you say the feeling of a promise to yourself.
Thank the habit for what it did for you.
Articulate it as you would another person.
You might say, “Thank you, [habit], for [how you serve me]…”
Then, let the habit know why it’s time to part ways.
Follow up the thanks you’ve given with something like “…but you also [how you work against me].”
You can then get straight to the point: “It’s time for us to part ways.”
Obviously, wordsmith all this as you see fit.
When we take these steps, we don’t only make peace with the habit we’re letting go.
We make peace with ourselves.
We’ll be free to feel all the cravings, urges, and mixed feelings without rejecting them.
We’ll know why we’re feeling them and understand that these feelings are okay.
We’ll understand more about why the process is so difficult.
Hopefully, though, it’ll now be a bit less difficult than it would have been otherwise.
Putting this all together
There are several ways to work on letting go of your habit.
You might benefit from taking one small step at a time (as I’ve written about here).
You might benefit from going “all in” (I intend to write about this in the near future).
Whatever approach you take, there’s a good chance you’ll find it challenging.
You’ll have good days and bad days.
You’ll take steps backward and steps forward.
You’ll go through all sorts of highs and lows.
That’s okay.
Don’t throw in the towel.
Remember all the reasons you’re letting go of the habit and all the reasons you want to keep it.
Remind yourself that you’re human and you have complex motivations.
You might want to quit a habit for one reason but also keep it for others.
Working through that complexity may be a challenge.
It can really help with taking some pressure off yourself, though.
What to do now
If there’s a specific habit you’d like to drop, explore what role it plays in your life.
Examine not only its detriments but also its benefits.
Thank the habit for how it served you, then let it know how it’s held you back and let it go.
Write all this down or say it out loud if you’d like.
Continue to reflect on these complex considerations as you work to make changes.
And it will be work.
Be kind to yourself when you struggle.
Taking steps backward doesn’t mean you’re broken, inadequate, or unworthy.
It means you’re human.
As a human, you’ll have conflicting motivations.
Keep moving.
Make adjustments based on how the changes you’re making are working for you.
Pursue your best life, whatever that looks like to you.
You’re going to do great.